Give and Take

When I was little, we had a swing set in our back yard.  On one end of it was a thing we called the Push-me-Pull-me.  I have no idea what its real name was but that's what we called the glider type ride that needed two kids, working in rhythm, to make it go. You would push out your feet on the peg and the other kid would pull on their handle, then switch on the back swing. You had to push to get the pull, each of you, so you'd both enjoy the ride. The name could have been Give-me-Take-me.  That ride was one of the first concrete demonstrations of give and take that I can remember.

When we humans are born, we take.  Take take take! We are helpless and completely dependent on our parents for every need we have. At this point, the parents do alllllll the giving and we do allllll the taking. As we grow, our parents begin to teach us how to be Givers.  Especially if you are raised with siblings, sharing is one of the first giving lessons you're taught. We learn to share our toys or our snacks. The balance between taking and giving slowly begins to shift.

Because we are human, and human nature is what it is, the shift doesn't smoothly change from taking to giving in one gentle curve.  It looks more like an EKG read-out. As we go through school, we quickly learn who to share with by seeing how generous they are in return. Somewhere in grammar school, a Taker named Janice Hollar met a Giver named Pam, who gave over her allowance money and never saw it again. Ouch! Hard lesson! And certainly the teen years are defined by taking. It's the time when we are trying on all kinds of hats to see what we're actually made of. Because of that self-absorbed process, we are rarely thinking much about giving.

As we begin to have long term relationships outside of family, we become very giving. What feels better than giving a gift to a new love? Perhaps receiving one! And before you know it, one of these relationships becomes permanent. When we become parents, we see exactly how completely giving our parents were when we were babies. It's just plain true that you never fully understand this until you actually have a child of your own. We continue the ripple by teaching our children how to give.

While I think that there do exist Givers and Takers of all ages in this world, there is an ebb and flow involved. For instance, when you're sick, your partner or maybe your coworkers must give some more. And you must take. Or when life has shifted in a large and unexpected way and you just can't do it on your own...you need help! If you've given in the past, there are Givers around you who are more than willing to give to you. Of course, the converse is true. You sometimes must give much more than your share when someone else must take for awhile. 

As we grown older and the cycle winds around on itself again, we must naturally become Takers again. If we are lucky enough to have a giving partner to share our life with, we can play the give and take game for as long as we both are able. Give as much as you can, while you can! Your efforts will bring many rewards down the road.

I consider myself, at this stage of my life, a Giver. There have been times when I needed to be a Taker. It was very hard but necessary and I did it. I am doing my best to be a Giver now, since there are so many people who need to take, even just a little. With every massage session, I give as much of myself as I can, always remembering somewhere in my mind the enormous generosity I received when I needed to be a Taker. It's my pleasure to give. And when the ripple comes back and I might need to take again, I just need to remember that the Giver really wants to help me, if I have to be a Taker for just a little while.

Perspective

It happens to all of us, from the crankiest pessimist to the sunniest optimist. There comes a time when all of us get down in the dumps.  Feel sorry for ourselves. Want to stay under the covers and cry even. There's nothing wrong with that in my opinion. It's healthy to feel those waves of emotion. Difficult but normal. Ick.
Sometimes though, just when it feels like you are the only one on this good Earth that has a problem or even just the blues, you get a reminder that you are soooo not. If you notice and grab onto that reminder, you can ride a rejuvenating ripple back up to the sunny side of the street.
I had been feeling just a little blah, which for me, feels like a lot blah.  Not my norm. I can't drag that around though. At the very least, the world doesn't need another speck of negativity. Not to mention my clients, and especially my husband! I was working on it and to some degree feeling a little better. Took a nap, rested my body, mind and soul. Then tonight I had a massage outcall.
An outcall is very rare for me. Throughout my work days I give my all to my co-workers and clients. I like to spend my off time at home, ideally with Rick. But a friend asked me if I'd work with her friend at a re-hab hospital. He'd had a poor result from surgery and needed massage.  Would I call him? Of course, I did, and met with him tonight. The re-hab hospital turned out to be a nursing home. Here's this vital non-senior citizen in with a mainly elderly population. He is in a great deal of discomfort and has a high level of frustration. He needs a walker to move around. However, he and his wife greet me with enthusiasm and gratitude. Leading me to, what else but...
What the heck do I have to complain about?
I mean, for real...I have the use of my two good legs. I work in a spa; if I need massage, I just say so, any time. I have all the things I could ever want, and most importantly, the love of my life by my side. When I entered this man's room, it was like that smack in the face we all sometimes need to remind us of exactly how lucky we are.
But that's not all.
While I am working with my client and his wife, there comes a knock at the door.  A staff member pushes a wheelchair into the room, in which an elderly man is sitting. Although he was very old, he was sharply dressed. Although he spoke quietly and with some effort, he was still 'with it'. The man I came to work with introduced the elderly man and asked him to share his story. Turns out that the elderly man has been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer.
WOW.
Not only that, his wife, experiencing dementia symptoms for a few years, had recently been told that she could no longer be on her own, and was going to be placed in a facility for her growing needs. When my client asked the elderly gentleman how long he and his bride had been married, he told us 59 years. His eyes lit up and he told us how they had met, courted and married. Before he left to return to his own room, my client asked his wife, a preacher, to pray for the man. We all joined hands as she spoke. When she had finished her prayer, the elderly man, tears streaming down his face, shook each of our hands, sincerely thanked us, and slowly wheeled himself out.
That smack in the face I mentioned earlier now was a full-on kick in the pants. When I set out to do my friend a favor and help out a person in pain, I had no idea what the session would bring. I knew that I'd be able to help with some pain and stiffness, but I was surprised, not for the first time either, at how I was helped too.
I know it's easier said than done to get out of a funk. I am most always a positive and cheerful person, but sometimes you just have to lay low and heal. It's not always that you have a series of reminders like I had tonight. While sad and touching, these events serve to help you re-frame your stuff and move forward in a better way. I choose to use these experiences to help me relate to others I meet, in the world, in the spa, on-line. My lessons learned are rippled forward, in the hopes that I can remember just how much I have to be grateful for and how much sunshine and love I have to give.

Minimal Footwear, Maximum Ripple

Here they are, those odd five-toed shoes that seem to be everywhere these days. This particular pair belongs to my rebel husband Rick, that Vibram-wearing biomechanical bank of knowledge. I wear them only when I do massage, but Rick wears them all the time. However, he didn't begin to wear them because 'everybody is doing it'.  To be fair, Rick doesn't do anything for that reason! So, let's trace the Vibram Five Fingers ripple.
Well before we left CT in 2009, Rick had seen an article for these shoes.  He looked them up on-line and liked what he saw, style-wise but especially foot-function-wise. There were very few places carrying Vibrams at that time, and there was only one style. In a continuing education class at CCMT, Rick had a student named Bob, who eventually became a colleague and friend. On a trip to Boston, Bob found and purchased a pair of Vibrams. When Bob showed them to Rick, Rick was even more sure that these shoes were perfect for him, and for proper foot function in almost anyone.
In our very early days in Texas, when EVERYTHING was up in the air, Rick was Googling and looked up Texas locations for Vibrams. Luke's Locker, a specialty running store, came up.
As we became settled and Rick was hired to teach at Parker University School of Massage Therapy, he needed something else to do while on semester breaks.  He had been thinking about Luke's Locker, not only for getting a pair of Five Fingers, but maybe as a place to work.  He applied on-line for a part-time retail shoe position. In a few days, Rick received a call from Patton Gleason, the store manager. Patton left a message, wanting to schedule an interview.
I remember Rick telling me about his first impression of Patton. He described Patton as genuine and down-to-earth. Their talk covered many subjects, one of them a book called Born to Run by Christopher McDougall. Patton suggested Rick read it. Rick and I both have read it, and it truly is a life-changing book, whether you run or not.
After a few more meetings, Rick began working at Luke's. His gifts with people were in evidence each day that he worked there. He helped his customers with everything from shoe fitting and gait analysis to actual massage work to improve their running success. He became known as the Vibram specialist, and would look to recommend a minimal-support shoe to his customers, knowing what he does about how the human foot is made. His special relationship with Patton grew. As Rick had said to me after his first meeting with Patton, they met for a reason. Patton would, in all seriousness and with complete respect, greet Rick with Namaste', his palms together over his heart and bowing low. I think it's no stretch to say that Rick and Patton have each been an important piece of the other's growth and success.
Late last year, Patton left Luke's Locker. Before he left, he told Rick that he felt like they'd known each other in another life, and that they were kindred spirits. Rick felt the same way and was moved by Patton's words. I predicted that they were not yet done working with one another. Quite recently, Rick left Luke's as well.
Rick is now teaching and working with clients. His blog at engagingmuscles.com is full of art and knowledge, spreading the truth about human function. As his editor and biggest fan, I admit a spousal bias, but I learn something every time I read his posts. As for Patton, he has opened an on-line running shoe store that has literally taken off running! You can check out his minimal shoes, educational information, and plain old entertainment at naturalrunningstore.com. Pretty good music too.
So from a goofy-looking shoe, we ripple forward through years and miles and experiences to a friendship based on thinking outside the box, exploring the entrepreneur within, customer service, honesty, integrity and passion. That's a remarkably rewarding ripple.
Grab your Five Fingers (or go barefoot!) and go feel the Earth beneath your feet.  While you do, reflect on those you love, and the ripples that brought them into your life. Your ten little piggies, and your grateful heart, will love you for it.

An Adventure of Their Own, Part II

...continued...

The situation at our friend's house grew more and more difficult.  Their daughter Stacy and her boys virtually ran for their lives.  Restraining orders were put into place, divorce proceedings began, counseling sessions all around.  Very slowly, healing began.  Whenever Rick and I would contact Jane and Steve to update them on our news, we'd hold our breath as we heard the latest developments with their family. We were scared for them.  And there was nothing we could do but be supportive from afar.  The one thing we heard over and over from Jane was that Rick and I had helped her and Steve as much as they'd helped us.  We'd been the recipients of a ripple, starting with their generosity, that we bounced right back to them, when they most needed it and least expected it.
Seems like our presence in their home for a few weeks that winter had put them on the right track.  They told us that the friendship we shared with them encouraged them.  Jane said that we somehow gave them some calm and some peace when we were their guests. I don't know that we did that on purpose, but the relationship that Rick and I share often rubs off on people that way.  I do know that we had many long conversations over dinner and wine (or Steve's beer). We all shared parts of our histories, our hopes, plans and dreams. To use that trite phrase, we bonded.  And somehow, that invincible feeling of hope that Rick and I were feeling rubbed off onto Jane and Steve.  So when the going got tough, and then progressively tougher, they stayed strong, for themselves and for their family.
As things continued to see-saw up and down with Stacy and her boys, a healing rhythm was building in Jane and Steve's home.  Stacy reclaimed herself.  The boys struggled with confusion regarding their father but had deep love and support from their Mom and their grandparents. Rick and I got updates that became gradually more positive and encouraging, along with photos of the boys, now growing into young men. As one by one the hurdles in the way of the family's happiness were knocked down, a plan for a vacation was formulated.  There would be a trip to Arizona, to visit Jane and Steve's son and daughter-in-law.  There would also be a visit to the Grand Canyon.
By all accounts, the trip was a great success.  The boys loved it, the family was all together for the first time in a very long while. Coincidentally, on the return flight to Connecticut, there would be a layover at the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport.  Rick and I drove to meet them for a little while between their flights.
It was so great to see them all together!  They were tired but happy.  We could see and feel the happiness and peace on all their faces.  And the thing that made it so incredible...they had decided that by the same time the following year, the whole bunch of them would move to Arizona, for good.  It was time for their adventure; time for our friends to realize their dreams like Rick and I had.  It was their time to head west.
Over this last year, more roadblocks popped up in the way of their dreams, but each and every time, they met the challenges head-on and kept focused on the future. Finally, in mid-June, when the boys had finished the school year, they were off! Their POD was picked up, their cars too, and the 5 of them flew out of Connecticut, toward their new home, their new life. Just like Rick and I had, they had chosen a 'do-over'. The ripple that began when Jane and Steve welcomed us into their home, into their lives, had echoed back over them.  The sense of infinite possibility that Rick and I felt, still feel, now bathed our good friends. Their adventure has begun.

19? Already?

Nineteen years ago this morning, I had my second child.  When her Dad and I woke early that morning to get to my planned c-section, we had no idea what the sex of our child would be.  However, we met in the kitchen at 4:30 a.m. both wearing pink shirts.  Should've known right then!
Natalie arrived doing what she does to this day; she amazed and amused us from minute one.  We were expecting this giant baby, since her brother was so big and since I was so big.  But no; itty-bitty, petite red-headed Natalie Kate arrived.  Her tiny bottom fit in her Dad's palm and there she sat for a bit while I underwent the necessary repairs. I had been a little worried that I wouldn't be as capable with a daughter as with a son; something which has to a good degree proven to be true; but I was immediately and thoroughly proud and pleased to have a daughter.
I fully admit that I was Cocky Mom. I thought, "I've got this, I've got a ton of experience." Not so much.  The Ripple of Natalie, perhaps the Ripple of All Ripples, had begun.
It's well-known that having children changes your life.  You have this amazing responsibility that you willingly take on when you decide to become a parent.  You think of all the things you will and should do for the good of this new life, from car seats and diapers to preschool and Brownies to make-up and dating to driving and voting. You're creating and molding a future citizen of The United States, for Pete's sake! And somewhere, lost in the busy-ness of raising your child, it's easy to forget that THEY will change YOU.
As pre-parents, we all say, "I would never do that!" or "I will never make my child do what my Mom made me do!" And we usually have some measure of success.  But ultimately, we are on our own.  Baby 'experts' can tell us what may happen in 8 out of 10 kids, but truly, we are making our own rules and doing what we can to get by.
As new parents, we start off slow, just trying to keep our heads above water til the feeding/diapering/sleeping stuff is all ironed out.  Then we encourage our children to grow up quick, and just like us. Here's where we all learn a big ol' lesson in "Not So Fast, Cocky Parent".
Natalie Kate, the Ripple, changed me in big ways.  What I thought was important was so not.  I considered it important that her clothes matched.  She considered choosing her wardrobe and getting dressed on her own much more important. She pushed me to the point of yelling so many times that I ripped something in my vocal cords!  You know how I'm not a 'yeller'? You can thank the Ripple of Natalie Kate. Natalie gave me new eyes in which to see the world.  Perhaps better said is that she opened my eyes to see things in new ways. Not everything needed to go my way, the 'parent's' way.  I learned how to try things that other people liked or suggested. I learned that I wasn't supposed to be nurturing a mini-Pam, but a fully individual Natalie Kate.
Natalie's gift to me, the ripple she began by showing up on planet Earth, was to see that it's ok to relinquish control sometimes. In parenting like my amazing Mom did, I thought I had all the answers.  But those were my Mom's answers, the ones that grew 7 children into fine adults. I had to find my own answers, and I'm still learning them from Natalie Kate. In some ways you could say that she began the Ripple.  I like myself pretty well, and she has been testing me and teaching me and improving me for 19 years now.  I love her dearly and hope to never stop learning.
I wish for my daughter the same things that I wrote in her baby book 19 years ago...peace, love, health, happiness, acceptance, success. I have nothing but pride, gratitude and love for my amazing, amusing, beautiful and brilliant Ginger Girl.
Happy Birthday, Ripple Starter! I can't wait to see what other ripples you send into the world. I love you!
Love, Mom

An Adventure of Their Own, Part I

In my upcoming, as-yet-untitled memoir of our journey west, I share many stories of people who helped us along the way.  Rick and I have been blessed to know some friends who fully believed in us, who backed us up, and who wanted to have a part in our success.  Many people we knew scratched their heads when they heard of our planned move to Texas, but this other group of people were truly in our corner and were even willing to personally sacrifice in order to give us a solid send-off. Without the positive ripples put into motion by these cheerleaders, our journey would've been virtually impossible.  In this post, I'll be introducing you to Jane and Steve.
Jane was a student in Rick's Kinesiology class.  As quite often happens when Rick gets Kines students in front of him, a whole new thought-process was born in Jane.  She wanted to learn more, to know more.  When Jane had graduated from massage school, she and Rick began to meet for coffee and discuss massage, kinesiology and personal training. When Rick taught weekend workshops, Jane attended as many as she could, eventually becoming Rick's assistant. Their mutual respect and friendship grew.
Jane's husband Steve is a bright even-tempered man.  Peaceful and somewhat reserved, he would quietly listen to a conversation and then drop a brilliant bombshell observation into it.  He was enjoying his retirement; exploring the internet, new music and brewing homemade beer. The kind of guy you just want to hug.
Not many people knew of our plans to move to Texas, but Jane was one of them.  She had made it clear on many occasions that we would be welcome to stay with her and Steve during our transition process.  We had 2 long house/dog-sitting gigs booked, but would need small stretches of hospitality during those few months.  Jane and Steve were one of those hospitable couples.
When the time came for us to move in at their house, we were welcomed with open arms.  I'd spoken with Jane briefly on several occasions, but had only met Steve once. They immediately made Rick and me feel right at home.  They showed us to the guest room where we unloaded all our stuff.  Jane had even cleared fridge and cabinet space for our food. It was like a big kid sleep over!  What a warm and cozy place to have landed.  We were very comfortable and grateful. As it turns out, Jane and Steve would come to be grateful to us as well.
The four of us settled into a routine...deciding who would provide/prepare dinner, sharing household chores, giving each other massage, and enjoying each other's company.  The transition period Rick and I were in was emotional for sure, but as we shared each development with Jane and Steve, their excitement grew along with ours. They began to share with us their dreams for the future as well.  Steve was positive that he wanted to spend his retirement in Arizona.  I guess we weren't the only ones with Western visions.
Jane and Steve hosted us through 2 stays at their home. But as things were coming down to the wire with us, there were some changes in store for them as well.  Their grown daughter was in a bad marriage.  She and her twin sons would be moving in with Jane and Steve. Their very safety was at stake.  For two people in or around their 60's, this was tough, but they'd of course have it no other way.  As we headed off to our future in Texas, Jane and Steve's future plans suddenly looked much different.

Stay Tuned for An Adventure of Their Own, Part II, coming soon!

Paying it Forward

I wasn't intending to post again so soon, but a beautiful thing happened when I went to the grocery store today that surely represents how the ripple goes.
I have been in the house for several days with a pretty serious toothache. Kinda heavily medicated, thus no driving. It's been manageable though, since my brain seems to be in creative overload mode!  Let's just say I've accomplished a lot; results of which y'all will get to see in the coming months.
At any rate, Rick needed a few things and asked if I'd like to go along for the ride. Bella and I said "Yes please!" and we headed off.  We needed to stop at Kroger of all places. Not the happiest destination on a pain-free day! Rick stayed in the car with Bella and I went in to return something.
While I was waiting at the customer service desk to make my exchange, I overheard the manager talking with a customer.  She was telling him that she would try and run through his purchase manually since the computer wasn't doing it properly. She went around the back of the courtesy desk.
The man was younger than me, very tall, with beautiful sleeves of tattoo work on each arm. He looked exhausted.  He was pushing one of those shopping carts that look like a race car.  Inside were two obviously unhappy little boys.  Grumpy, sad or sick I do not know but certainly not any more thrilled to be in Kroger than I was. As he waited and the manager worked on his purchase, it became clear that it was his food stamp card that would not go through.  Apparently the system the card is tied to was down.  The man had only two small bags of groceries.  The manager said, "I am so sorry but it won't go through. Do you want me to hold them and you can come back?"  He said he'd come back and headed out the door. I felt so badly for him.
Just then, a woman in line behind me spoke up.  She said to the manager, "Here, let me take care of that for him." Oh, my heart!
The man overheard and said that he appreciated it but no thank you and that he'd come back later on. He went out the door.  The woman insisted to the manager that she wanted to do it.  "We've all been there, haven't we?" she said.  The manager ran out the door with the bags and came back shortly.  The manager said to the woman, "That was very nice of you." I turned to the woman and said the same. When the manager went around behind the desk, the woman asked her how much it was. The manager answered, "$4.05."  
Four dollars and five cents was all it took for that woman to spread a vibrant lacy network of ripples all around her. She helped that man's day get a lot easier. Helped those sad little boys get home sooner. Made every person who overheard the chain of events feel a lot better about the world. Showed me the reason I ended up at Kroger today.
She paid it forward.
We have all been there, right? I know that I have been on the receiving end of such generosity. I remember a similar experience when I was little and at the store with my Mom and all my brothers and sisters.  I have never been a wealthy chick, but if I have a few dollars and someone needs them, I think back to the times I've received help like that, little or big, and I give what I can.  Paying it forward is one of the easiest ways to send forth ripples of care and love into the world of another.