Judgement

"My choice is what I choose to do

And if I'm causin' no harm, it shouldn't bother you.

Your choice is who you choose to be

And if you're causin' no harm, then you're alright with me."

-Ben Harper

     This morning I woke from a vivid dream. One of those epiphany-type dreams in which the 'light bulb' truly appears. It's been a long time coming, but the words to express how I feel about judgement may have finally found their way to my fingertips.

In my dream, someone I know, someone real, was working in a coffee bar in another state. (They would NEVER work in a coffee bar, but after all, it was a dream). We had not seen each other in years. I was only slightly reserved in approaching them, as our last parting had been less than tender. I dropped my nerves and ran up to them, arms outstretched for a hug. They blocked the hug, looked at me with disdain, said they had to go, and literally took off running. I was stunned. Worse, as they ran, they called over their shoulder, "I'll be back," but although I waited, they never returned.  PS, I don't even like coffee.

In the dream, I was furious, hurt, embarrassed.  Judged. Ouch.  Especially given the fact that, in real life, this person had been in a vulnerable, explosive, easily-judged situation many years ago, with complete, utter, no-questions-asked, non-judgmental support from me. Who, of all people, did they think they were?!

I should mention that I enjoy casually dissecting my dreams, usually finding reasonable explanations for the strange things that occur in them. Sometimes they are fueled by carbs close to bedtime...I call them Ice Cream Dreams. Other times, it's just the busy work of my brain, clearing out space for the new stuff I try to jam into it. But sometimes, an issue that I have been Rubik's Cube-ing for a long while becomes miraculously clear during my dreams. As with this morning, I wake up almost wanting to shout with joy, the clarity is such a gift!

No, I certainly don't think waking from this dream will find me being less judged by this person. They are on their page, and I am on mine, as it should be. Instead, I feel like my feelings of being judged in general, by anyone, have somehow been processed. In using this individual to depict the issue, my brain manufactured this dream and made it crystal clear why judgement, especially from this one person, hurts and nags at me so much. Because I was once an absolute pillar of non-judgement for them, it's all the more painful that this is the choice they've made in looking at my life. As I used to say when I was little, "It's not fair!" 

In massage school, I took a course called Personal Potential with Beth Bilyak. Eye-opening class; peaceful, lit-from-within, ninja-dynamo of an instructor. One of the subjects was discerning Judgment from Assessment.

As evolving humans, we need Assessment. It's that instinct that tells you whether or not a person or situation is a danger to you. It's not as critical to humans as it used to be...we are not, after all, being pursued by Saber- Toothed Tigers during the course of our days...but still a valuable survival tool. 

Judgment is different. It contains some components of assessment; you look at a person, learn a little about them. The shift happens when you begin to judge, to compare, to keep a person in a certain category for any number of criteria. Judgment can separate, alienate, foster hate. Judgement can truly hurt.

It couldn't be more plain, more clear, more simple than this: We are all human beings. Made up of the same stuff, from the inside out. The choices we make, if they aren't harming anyone, shouldn't matter in the least. I even remind myself from time to time that it's their choice to judge, and even though I don't like it, it's judgmental of me to say so! Exactly who are we to judge...anyone? 

I urge you to begin a ripple. A ripple of Non-Judgment. Start small; it's surprisingly difficult at first! Look at someone near you, and simply see them. Do not be critical of their hairstyle, their clothing, their lunch choice, their car. Just notice them, and recognize them for who they are; a member of your race, the human race.

"Once in a golden hour,

I cast to earth a seed,

And up there grew a flower,

That others called a weed."

-Alfred Tennyson